one month.

That’s how long it’s been since we got the call every pregnant woman fears. “We’re so sorry Mrs. Fisher, but it looks like you’re having a miscarriage.” There are no words to explain the gut wrenching heartache we felt in that moment — and honestly most moments since then. There is nothing you can do to prepare yourself for that phone call. No steeling of your heart that makes the pain seem less. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known for one minute or one month that you’re expecting a baby. It doesn’t matter if you already have a little one at home or if you’ve been trying for years to add to your family. IT HURTS. To your core. And it doesn’t go away.

our miscarriage story.

Let’s start at the beginning. We know that we are blessed beyond measure. But we felt even more-so, when after my doctor told us it would take a while to get pregnant, I was pregnant after being off the pill for 5 weeks! After a picture perfect pregnancy, Miss Adelaide joined our family and life hasn’t been the same since. Now as we all know, I just turned 35 — the dreaded age when some docs start calling you “high-risk”. Do I feel high-risk? Not in the least. After all, I workout, eat right, get “enough” sleep, and I’d just had the best pregnancy. But we knew that we wanted to add to our little family sooner rather than later. So we started trying … and unlike the first time, it didn’t happen … and then it still wasn’t happening.

But after I’d had the gamete of bloodwork done, I realized at 4:30AM I was 2 weeks late, and decided why not take a test right then? We got the + sign that we’d been praying for, for months on end! We couldn’t contain our excitement — unlike with the first pregnancy, we told everyone immediately! After all, what could happen? I re-downloaded all the pregnancy apps and watched our little poppyseed grow into a blueberry and then when he/she was supposed to be the size of a raspberry the blood started. At first, I wasn’t worried — it wasn’t much and there were no cramps — because these are the things they tell you to look for.

But on a Wednesday morning {a day I will never forget}, I woke up and knew something was wrong. There was not much more blood, only slight cramping, but I’m a mom and as moms, we just KNOW, right? At our doctor’s visit that day, we were told everything looked good. Our outlook was positive, but still there was a nagging … something wasn’t right. Four days later, we found out that indeed something was terribly, terribly wrong — we were in the process of losing our baby. It turned out that my body was taking care of the miscarriage on its own, and I truly think that somehow this allowed me to start the grieving process as I felt our baby leaving my body.

what they don’t tell you.

I love my doctor’s office. {ladies – if you’re in Charlotte Bradford Clinic is the best in town.} And they have been amazingly supportive through this process. But what they don’t tell you is after a miscarriage you’ll be unloading the dishwasher on a Tuesday evening when all the sudden you’re in a puddle of tears on the kitchen floor. Or that your temper gets a little shorter. Or that you will try to control every single thing in your family’s life. That you feel like a bad friend because you shut down. You feel like a bad mom because there are days when smiling is nearly impossible. Or that you’ll simultaneously fall deeper in love with your husband and also feel heartbroken by the amount of hurt he’s trying to hide for your sake. That you pray out loud so often your toddler knows how to clearly say Jesus and Amen. They don’t tell you that it hurts when people say “you’ll have another baby” or “you’re so lucky to have Adelaide” because we know these things but we miss the baby we lost. They don’t tell you that there are days you cry at the sight of pregnant women — even if those women are your friends. They don’t give you an answer for how long the longing for the baby you lost sticks around. There are no statistics for how many nights you and your husband both cry until you fall asleep. There isn’t any data on how long it takes for the physical hurt in your heart to go away.

our recovery and advice.

While my body is “recovered”, I’m not sure when – if ever – our lives will be fully restored. As I said before, we are BLESSED; this is not lost on us. But our miscarriage has been one of the greatest trials we may ever face. We could not have gotten to where we are one month later without first and foremost our faith — there have been no shortage of prayers said in our house. But also without our family and friends. We have leaned hard on the people we love and for that I will be forever thankful. Because miscarriage is HARD — to be quite honest, miscarriage SUCKS. And like the loss of any loved one, it doesn’t go away quickly. So as we wade through our stages of grief, we are leaning into the relationships that matter most to us — with God, each other and our loved ones. This would be my biggest piece of advice: LEAN ON THE ONES WHO LOVE YOU. You will need them — for a long time. {this interview also helped me a lot.}

Wondering what to do when you find out your friends lost their baby? HUG THEM. hard. LOVE THEM. even harder. And don’t stop asking if they’re doing okay … because they’re not. And it goes without saying — food is always a good idea. {or maybe I’m just always hungry!}

my thanks.

I know this is not a standard LC Style Report post, but I strive for authenticity in my little corner of the universe. And without sharing our miscarriage story, I wouldn’t be able to be my real self around here. So if you’ve gotten this far, THANK YOU. For reading. For listening. For understanding. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy, but I will never be able to express my gratitude for the outpouring of love I’ve received after the dreaded phone call. So with that being said, fair warning — LC Style Report is about to be way more lifestyle focused. Because you know what — this is my life — the good, bad, the fashion, the babe, the hubs, and the home.

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